49 Funny half quotes

• The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad.

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  6 days ago

  convenience, delivery, door, DoorDash, food, food delivery, half, hour, humor, i, just, miracle, phone, pick, punch, salad, spending, technology, things

• I recently discovered “movies.” They’re usually like an hour and a half long, and a pretty good way to kill time. Check it out.

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  6 days ago

  activity, check, discovery, entertainment, fun, good, half, hour, humor, i, kill, movie, pretty, time

• They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental, so I thought about the gym really hard today.

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  6 days ago

  battle, exercise, fitness, getting, getting in shape, gym, half, hard, humor, i, mental, mental battle, motivation, procrastination, say, shape, thought, today, workout

• Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.

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  6 days ago

  asked, awkwardness, communication, conversation, dating, half, hour, humor, i, just, lady, mansplaining, me, misunderstanding, silence, staring, think, trap

• Adulthood is really discovering half your family is mentally ill.

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  6 days ago

  adulthood, discovery, family, half, humor, illness, life, life realization, mental, mental illness, mentally, realization

• Half of Twitter is horny, half is depressed, and the other half don’t know how to do math.

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  6 days ago

  depressed, half, horny, humor, joke, know, math, media, social, social media, Twitter

• The night terrors don’t scare me half as much as the day terrors.

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  7 days ago

  anxiety, day, day terror, fear, half, humor, me, much, night, night terror, nightmare, sarcasm, scare, terror, terrors

• Italians, look away now. I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

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  1 week ago

  away, before, break, breaking, cook, cooking, food, half, humor, i, italian, joke, kitchen, pasta, spaghetti, tradition

• A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

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  1 week ago

  animal, baby, baby cow, calf, cow, half, humor, joke, pun, questions, wordplay

• I’ve started ripping my shirt in half like Hulk Hogan when I mean business. Long story short, I’m looking for a new job.

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  1 week ago

  business, career, career change, change, half, hogan, Hulk, Hulk Hogan, humor, i, job, job search, looking, mean, motivation, new, relief, ripping, search, shirt, shirt ripping, short, story, stress, stress relief, workplace, workplace humor

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