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178 Funny job quotes

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  • Does anyone know if there’s a career in being a piece of shit?

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the age-old question of the century! 🤣 Well, if being a piece of shit was a profession, let’s just say the job market would be overflowing with candidates! 💩 But hey, at least they could offer a ‘crappy’ benefits package! 😉”

  • Still don’t understand how girls with no jobs be holding iPhones.

    Commentary:
    🤔 “I guess those iPhones must be working overtime to afford themselves, unlike their owners! 📱💰 Just imagine if phones could pay rent and bills too – we’d all be living the high life without lifting a finger! 😂 #PhoneGoals”

  • I hate commas. It’s not my job to tell you when you breathe. Work it out, you’re a grown adult.

    Commentary:
    “Who needs commas when you’ve got attitude and sass like that? 💁‍♀️ Breathing is overrated anyways, just wing it like the grown adult you are! 😂 #NoCommasNoProblem”

  • I didn’t know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I wasn’t on that job.

    Commentary:
    “Oh, so THAT’s why Rome wasn’t built in a day – they forgot to invite you to the construction party! 😂 Looks like they missed out on the expert builder right here! 🏗️💪 #RomeWasntBuiltInADayButItCouldHaveBeenWithYou”

  • Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

    Commentary:
    Ah, the great divide between professions! 💩 For nurses, loose stool is just another day at work, while for bartenders, it’s a definite sign something went wrong with the cocktail recipe! 🍹😂 Just remember, context is everything in the world of bodily functions and mixed drinks! 🩺🍻

  • I want the job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

    Commentary:
    “Who needs a comfort zone when you can be the ultimate pusher of boundaries? 😂✈️ #JobGoals #AdventureTime”

  • I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment.

    Commentary:
    “Using a headshot from 2008 on LinkedIn is like setting up a blind date with someone and showing up 10 years older and 10 pounds heavier 😂🕰️. It’s all about managing expectations, right? 🤷‍♂️ #ThrowbackThursday #LinkedInFail”

  • I need a reasonable job. Something like $3,000 an hour. Nothing too wild.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, yes, just a casual $3,000 an hour gig, no biggie 🤑 Maybe we can even throw in a unicorn as the office pet 🦄 Who needs wild dreams when you can aim for that kind of reasonable job, right? 😂”

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