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10,000+ funny quotes

92 Funny own quotes

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research, thanks.

3 months ago

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own.

3 months ago

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.

3 months ago

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

3 months ago

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

3 months ago

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

3 months ago

A camel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring your own drinks in here!”

3 months ago

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

3 months ago

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

3 months ago

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”.

3 months ago

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

3 months ago

I’m not ready to adopt a highway, I can barely raise my own driveway.

3 months ago

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

3 months ago

Digging my own grave, because I gotta do everything around here.

3 months ago

People who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything.

3 months ago

Bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs.

3 months ago

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy, so I guess I’m also my best friend.

3 months ago

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

3 months ago

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

3 months ago

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could donate your own body fat to those who need it more urgently?

3 months ago