BUFFALO—Local man Dennis Carlisle, 33, issued a desperate plea for restraint Thursday, reminding potential suitors he’s “already sort of spoken for.” “Please don’t flirt with me. I’m trying not to cheat on my crush who doesn’t like me,” pleaded Dennis, as he rearranged his cubicle desk, absent of any real romantic prospects.

While social experts confirmed there’s no actual risk of Dennis breaking any hearts, they noted his dedication to non-existent romance is commendable. “He’s deeply committed to someone who doesn’t know he exists,” said workplace relationships expert, Linda Porter. “It’s an unorthodox love life, but it’s just like marriage, minus the legal part and the awareness from the other party.”

Reports suggest Dennis has established a structured loyalty system, whereby he refuses to look at real-world dating apps, declaring he “can’t betray someone who’s never looked at me.” Sources predict he’ll soon unfollow his unrequited affection on social media upon discovering a new allergic reaction to imaginary flowers.