I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

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Give us this day our daily internet validation.

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How does spaghetti know that I’m wearing light-colored clothes?

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When you want to feel at your thinnest, walk through Walmart at any time of day.

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A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

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I love being a pretty woman because it widens the threshold for cringe-worthy things I can say.

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I want a chiropractor to crack my entire body like a glow stick.

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The secret to my success is everywhere I go I wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back.

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Some things are better left unsaid, which I usually realize after I say them.

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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours.

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Seeing a beautiful woman drink her beer is like witnessing an angel take flight.