I just think we should kiss. And kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss. But that’s just me.

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If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

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The best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3 a.m.

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I’ll never be badass enough to walk around chewing on a toothpick.

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If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

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My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

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Time needs a speed limit.

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Who needs dystopian fiction when you can watch the news?

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My retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding a buried treasure at some point.

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Do you know how much trauma it took to be this funny?

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Touch my butt, not my coffee.