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Commentary:
"Imagine the chaos and surprise an emotional support octopus could bring – slapping away negativity and snagging some steals like a true partner in crime 🐙💥🛍️ Who needs therapy when you've got a mollusk sidekick for all your outlandish shenanigans?"

emotional, emotional support, humor, i, octopus, people, pet, shoplift, slap, support, train, training, want

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything, but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

1 month ago
absolutely, activity, adulthood, catch, catch up, doing, doing nothing, everything, free, free time, free time activity, leisure, nothing, only, relaxation, time, weekend, welcome
Need to shave my legs again. Blow-drying takes far too long.

1 month ago
again, beauty, beauty routine, blow-drying, grooming, humor, legs, need, routine, self-care, shave, time, too
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once, like a squirrel on crack.

1 month ago
comparison, crack, finish, focus, humor, hundred, just, multitasking, once, people, productivity, squirrel, start, task, things, trying
I swear some songs have background noises of your mum shouting your name from downstairs.

4 months ago
background, background noise, downstairs, family, humor, i, mum, name, noise, noises, relatable, shouting, song, songs, swear
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

1 month ago
afraid, carry, fear, humor, i, sleeping, someone, steal, wallet, work
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”

1 month ago
close, computer, computer joke, enough, humor, i, interface, joke, just, login, once, password, relatable, say, tech, tech humor, user, user interface, want

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇦🇱 has viewed:

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has viewed:

Terrifying if true: Her eyes lighting up a room.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has bookmarked:

90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying works.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has bookmarked:

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

Someone from 🇸🇨 has downloaded:

Don’t flirt with me. I’ll show up at your house and start eating all your snacks.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has viewed:

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has downloaded:

Relationship goal: synchronizing our eye rolls.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Facebook:

There is a giant spider on my dash so I’m going to have to buy a new car now.

Spotted on TikTok:

The only joke my mom ever made was me.

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

If you are hotter than me, it means I’m cooler than you.

Shared recently on Slack:

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

I need an emergency cheeseburger.

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

Can we call situationships ‘affairs’ again? It sounds more adult and less desperate.

Spreading quickly via X:

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

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I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything, but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Need to shave my legs again. Blow-drying takes far too long.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once, like a squirrel on crack.

I swear some songs have background noises of your mum shouting your name from downstairs.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Shy with a mean resting face is a crazy combo.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

Saying “You’re tearing this family apart” whenever someone argues with me.

Why is everything 10x better at night? Driving, showering, eating, vibing to music, watching Netflix… phone calls. Like, everything.

A person’s character can be read quite reliably from the way he or she interacts with service personnel.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

I’m quitting my job to do topless tarot readings on the beach.

My spirit animal is a sloth on its fourth nap of the day!

Avocado toast at a cafe: $10. Avocado toast from Uber Eats: $25. Avocado toast made at home: $550 (my labor is worth $115 a minute).

“You never reply to messages.” I am just one person, okay? I am understaffed.

Handsome, you better get to the point, my beer buzz is starting to wear off.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

My body is a machine that turns pizza into diarrhea.

I woke up alive again.

All of my problems boil down to me being bad at being alive.

I will never fall victim to groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest nonsense you’ve ever heard.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Rescuing a cute dog and teaching it how to drive me home from the pub.

Receipts are like: Take this tiny piece of paper home with you and throw it away.

Tomorrow isn’t promised, so make sure you tell bad people they’re bad.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper because she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Working on my harmonica skills so those around me can both hear and feel my depression.

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I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything, but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Need to shave my legs again. Blow-drying takes far too long.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once, like a squirrel on crack.

I swear some songs have background noises of your mum shouting your name from downstairs.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

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