I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

87 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Drinking a couple of beers and then getting onto Red Dead Redemption, and just petting my horse and feeding it apples.

95 shares on Reddit this month:

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra.

22 shares on Pinterest this month:

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

95 shares on Pinterest this month:

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my kids were drawing of me.

51 shares on Instagram this month:

So much anger in this small little body. I feel like a chihuahua.

32 shares on Pinterest this month:

There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.

61 shares on Reddit this month:

I want to make fun of Kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.

72 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Sorry, my bedroom looks like a child with a credit card decorated it. Do you still want to bone?

58 shares on Threads this month:

I’ve walked the walk, but nowadays I just sit the sit.

69 shares on Facebook this month:

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker. Told her to just roll them a little tighter.