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Home Funny Quotes I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life.

New funny quotes ✨

I am just a man, a man who told a woman to calm down, so I guess this is goodbye.

I am just a man, a man who told a woman to calm down, so I guess this is goodbye.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Play your cards right and we could be wearing matching fanny packs this summer.

Play your cards right and we could be wearing matching fanny packs this summer.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Stores should accept “I bought this while depressed” as a valid reason for a return.

Stores should accept “I bought this while depressed” as a valid reason for a return.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
They should invent a good thing that happens.

They should invent a good thing that happens.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
People who wear jeans for fun around their house have bodies buried in their backyard.

People who wear jeans for fun around their house have bodies buried in their backyard.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Considering joining a cult just for the subsidized housing.

Considering joining a cult just for the subsidized housing.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
You okay, babe? You’ve hardly touched the promises you made me.

You okay, babe? You’ve hardly touched the promises you made me.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
Hobbies include fake smiling while waiting for people to stop talking.

Hobbies include fake smiling while waiting for people to stop talking.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
Are you just gonna go with the flow until you spiral down the drain?

Are you just gonna go with the flow until you spiral down the drain?

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
You can learn a lot about a person by observing their every waking movement from a tree outside their house.

You can learn a lot about a person by observing their every waking movement from a tree outside their house.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
I'm thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I'm writing. That will really spice up my autobiography.

I’m thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing. That will really spice up my autobiography.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
To my beloved wife, I leave my circus and my monkeys.

To my beloved wife, I leave my circus and my monkeys.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
Get in loser. We’re going on a guilt trip.

Get in loser. We’re going on a guilt trip.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
I could easily win an Oscar, I just have other things going on right now.

I could easily win an Oscar, I just have other things going on right now.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025
If I ever win the lottery and decide to invest in a billboard company, I won’t tell anyone; but there will be signs.

If I ever win the lottery and decide to invest in a billboard company, I won’t tell anyone; but there will be signs.

Funny Quotes Mar 7, 2025