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Well, if he can't appreciate a good brain and prefers the undead, maybe it's time to check for any unusual cravings for brains 🧠. Who needs zombies when you can have a smart and lively partner, right? 😉 #SmartIsTheNewSexy #NoZombiesAllowed

admire, brains, humor, joke, relationship, woman, yourself, zombie

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I hope your spoon slides into your soup.

1 month ago
food, hope, humor, i, kitchen, soup, spoon, wish
I should’ve been an air conditioner because all I do is vent.

1 month ago
air, air conditioner, attitude, conditioner, cooling, humor, i, joke, personality, sarcastic, vent
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

1 month ago
bridesmaid, carry, CVS, end, friendship, humor, receipt, responsibility, shopping, wedding
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

1 month ago
after, bed, creature, environment, humor, i, kid, kids, living, living creature, okay, parenting, procrastination, saw, spider, survive, tired, too, under
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

1 month ago
bladder, empty, half, half empty, humor, irony, optimist, perspective
Work again? Really? Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

1 month ago
daily, daily grind, fatigue, grind, humor, i, just, procrastination, repetition, work, yesterday

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

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When things get hot, they expand, so I’m just getting warmer, not gaining weight.

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Killing me softly with his schlong.

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I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

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Hello, hi. Don’t invite me anywhere until next year. The money is finished. Regards.

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Just flipped my mattress, should have woken up my wife first.

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Patience: something you have when there are too many witnesses around.

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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup.

I should’ve been an air conditioner because all I do is vent.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Work again? Really? Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Bartenders be like “here’s that receipt, I’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

All of my passwords are protected by short-term memory loss.

My husband loves when we fight, and I turn it into a limited series called And Another Thing.

I’m at the age where I’m more likely to fall asleep at the movie theater than get frisky in one.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

You know who else works in mysterious ways? Me.

In my years of experience, people who disagree with me are usually wrong.

Weekends now feel like short commercial breaks in a stressful movie.

What part of “I need to save money” do I not understand?

Please text me back. I’m about to start making stuff up in my head, and the stuff is all bad.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Roses are red. Bumble bees buzz. This rhyme doesn’t rhyme. No, wait, yes it does.

I once had a psychic girlfriend, she left me before we met.

Stick with me and you’ll go places. None of them good, but still.

The grass isn’t really greener over there; that’s just a filter.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Unfortunately, I will continue to get sexier and funnier.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering.

Cats love to wake you up and go back to sleep. It’s part of their culture.

Have you ever met the human version of a headache?

I’m so glad when summer is over and I finally don’t have to see any feet on the internet anymore.

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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

I hope your spoon slides into your soup.

I should’ve been an air conditioner because all I do is vent.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Work again? Really? Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

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