I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

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One of the most underrated benefits of having a cat is that you get another creature to look around in confusion with you when you hear a random loud-ass noise in the middle of the night.

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Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

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My mom be cutting up fruit and bringing it to me in my room without saying nothing. That’s when it hits me, nobody ever gonna love me this much.

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We live in a cosmic tornado, but sure, let’s all get jobs.

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Some things are better left unsaid, which I usually realize after I say them.

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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdos were all grabby and dancing around.

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Born to be quiet and mysterious, forced to yap whenever I get the chance.

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Hey (with the intention of going to sleep).

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Whoops, accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date.

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Can I get back all those naps I refused to take as a kid? I could really use them now.