“I’m like Sisyphus but with dishes. Dishyphus.”

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Life always has it’s ups and downs. I like to up the music, down the drinks, and then relax and enjoy.

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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

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I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn’t wear deodorant.

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I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are. We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

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Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

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Seems like the mosquitoes swiped right on me.

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If I was a priest, I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around.

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As a pigeon mother, I would never let my pigeon daughter hang around the station. That’s really no place for a young pigeon lady.

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Pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed.