In honor of the winter solstice, I also will be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

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Not to brag, but I can put my socks on without sitting down.

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Me: “I should treat myself to something.” My bank account: “Dream on.”

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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

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It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

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My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

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Managers want a week of silence and meditation in order to be even more of a manager afterwards.

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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s. Thank God the authorities got that nightmare under control.

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Turns out I like you a lot more than I originally planned.

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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

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Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.