Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

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I’m fairly certain the person who put the first “r” in February also decided how to spell Wednesday.

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Men be like, “But I’m different.” Yeah, a different type of disappointment.

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If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

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Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

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I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

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All of my fitness goals are within reach, but unfortunately, so are the crisps.

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Pasta is something I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of.

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So I got a call from a telemarketer, and he said he couldn’t understand me. I told him, “Press 1 for English.”

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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe