PERTH—Local romantic and self-proclaimed “love anthropologist” Greg Simmons unveiled a new dating theory, passionately proclaiming, “After analyzing 1,000 girls, talking to 10, and knowing 100, I’ve discovered the elusive one. She’s just not that into me.”

Simmons detailed his harrowing journey of emotional data collection, admitting, “The analysis was rigorous, but unrequited. Statistically, I OD’d on platonic Friendzones,” he lamented while recalibrating his heart’s stubborn algorithm.

Despite the emotional backlash, Simmons remains optimistic. “I’ve been reading up on causal graphs and determined that, given infinite variables, there’s definitely someone who’s bound to like me back. Or at least, not run away immediately.” His new study commences, with a focus on increasing response rates through strategic serenading.