KENSINGTON—Inspired by a recent embarrassing episode, local man Patrick Mallory has installed a state-of-the-art wet fart detection system in his home. “It’s 2023, and I’m not taking any chances,” Mallory declared.

Denouncing traditional flatulence, Mallory added, “Never trust a wet fart; it’s the Trojan horse of bodily functions.” The system, once triggered, alerts him and reroutes him to the nearest bathroom.

While critics call his setup overkill, Mallory remains undeterred. “I’m living fart-free from now on,” he emphasized. Mallory also announced plans to offer guided workshops called “Fart Into the Future” every Wednesday at his local community center.