WALLA WALLA—In a study of improbable romantic choices, local woman Jess Marlow opted to ignore a choir of fifteen eligible suitors in favor of Dan, a man whose only consistent commitment is to his allergy to romance. “Dan hasn’t texted me back in weeks,” she said. “Which just means he likes me over SMS. I think?”

While her admirers praised Jess’s warm smile and impeccable taste in bands, she was laser-focused on Dan’s ghost-like communication style. “Sure, all those other guys are nice,” she stated, “but Dan leaves a lot of room for interpretation, which is super exciting. There’s nothing quite like wondering if someone even knows you exist.”

Meanwhile, on the contrary side of town, Dan was seen playing golf—his fourth favorite habit—leading to more speculation. At last report, Jess remained unconvinced by realism, confident that Dan’s eventual emoji response would solve everything. “I’m optimistic,” she mused. “Love is just a waiting game and I’m clearly losing.”