KNOXVILLE—In what city locals are calling a tragic but highly relatable condition, area resident James Norwood announced that he has been suffering from emotional constipation, revealing he hasn’t “given a shit in months.” Dramatically belching out his feelings, Norwood expressed concern about emotional blockages causing long-term damage. “I feel like I’m struggling to feel, like, anything,” sighed Norwood, clutching a mostly-empty tissue box.

People in the community expressed solidarity with Norwood, attributing their indifference to a culture abundant in indifference and an overconsumption of social media memes. “If you drop a shit in the forest of feelings and nobody hears it, did it even happen?” pondered local philosopher and barista Amanda Locke, while practicing her latte art “liberation.”

Norwood’s doctor offered some speculative remedies, including deep breaths and possibly fiber-rich conversation topics, like the proper emotional diets everyone needed. “It’s crucial we get James’ emotional intestines moving again,” cautioned Dr. Emily Glass. “For prolonged blocks, we may need emotional prunes in the form of therapy or Netflix documentaries to help extract the stubborn shits.”