CHICAGO—Local man Dave Milligan stunned onlookers Monday when he declared that his cardboard abode “is basically a house, minus the ‘me.” Passersby were baffled but intrigued as Dave proudly announced, “All the creature comforts, just without any actual creatures.” Widely regarded as a “minimalist,” Dave has been spotted using a detached microwave door as a visionary infinity pool.

Eager to expand his property line, Dave has been negotiating with nearby alley dwellers to combine their territories into a ‘luxury complex.’ “Think of it as a DIY gentrification project with optional amenities,” explained Dave, sketching plans on a discarded pizza box. Sources say his plans for a makeshift man cave involve several milk crates strung together with very optimistic lengths of vine.

City officials, ever diligent, have expressed concern about zoning violations in Dave’s cardboard condo, citing a missing raccoon rent evasion scandal. But Dave remains defiant, arguing that his dwelling “only violates the laws of fashion.” As he put it, “Finally, a place so zero-carbon, it’s like living inside the Prius of shantytowns.”