HOBART—Area resident Nathan Wells has achieved complete insult invulnerability with his groundbreaking realization that he’s already aware of his own shortcomings. “Honestly, calling me ugly isn’t even an insult, because I know already,” said Wells, sipping his coffee as if it contained the essence of self-acceptance.

Friends have tried for months to find chinks in Wells’ armor. “We called him everything from ‘gargoyle’ to ‘abstract art’,” said roommate Laura. “But he’s simply apathetic, like confronting an emotional sponge.”

Wells’ newfound resilience has inspired a local support group called ‘Ugly But Unshaken.’ “We harness our self-deprecation for immunity,” he explained, adding, “My ego is like a 1970s couch—rolled with every stain you can imagine but still functional.”