JERSEY CITY—In what can only be described as an unwavering commitment to mediocrity, local resident Dave Lanchester is redefining persistence. “By day I am just a regular loser, but by night I’m the same loser, only it’s nighttime,” Lanchester explained, while dusting off a participation trophy.

Despite countless self-help books, Lanchester claims he can never quite rise above his self-proclaimed loserdom. “I’ve tried being different, but I keep ending up exactly where I started,” he shrugged, unwittingly winning the ‘most consistent attitude’ award once more.

Friends have begun to marvel at Lanchester’s unyielding dedication, organizing a community event aptly named ‘LoserCon 2023’ in his honor. “It’s like watching paint dry, but the paint really wants to stay wet,” noted event organizer Nancy Brent. “Thankfully, even his failures are predictable, so we know precisely when to clap.”