WINSTON-SALEM—Ethan Caldwell is terrified that he’s destined for eternal peril regardless of religion. “I’m going to hell in every religion,” he lamented, pointing to incompatible afterlife policies across faiths.

Caldwell’s concerns spiked after a comparative theology class. “Not a single sect has a loophole for a guy who accidentally microwaved fish at work,” he noted, citing this universal taboo.

Religious leaders worldwide empathized. “We don’t usually agree on much,” shared Father O’Shea, “but Ethan is basically paying for express shipping to damnation.” This unique consensus has prompted peace talks scheduled twice this week.