JUNEAU—Aspiring professional, Gerald Fitzgerald, announced Monday his decision to join the workforce under one condition: a reasonable salary of $3,000 an hour. “I’m looking for something basic,” Fitzgerald explained, adding that he’d prefer the pay to be “fairly breezy” and “not too wild.” He also hopes for a competitive benefits package featuring unlimited pizza Fridays.
Amidst rising inflation, Fitzgerald asserts this is the bare minimum for survival in today’s economy. “Honestly, I’ve got lots of hobbies. Drawing, napping, and borrowing my neighbor’s Wi-Fi—these things aren’t cheap,” he confessed, while flipping through a dog-eared magazine titled ‘The Millionaire’s Manual for Fun Employment.’
Experts agree Fitzgerald’s salary expectations are, in his mother’s words, ‘a charming fantasy.’ “I’ve heard people wanting to shoot for the stars, but Gerald wants to buy the whole galaxy,” said employment counselor Marta Shelby, suggesting Fitzgerald settle for something more down-to-earth, like becoming CEO of his own delusions.