RIPLEY—In a stunning revelation, local man Tom Armstrong has expressed bafflement over the absence of napping and overeating as Olympic sports. ‘I always assumed my routine of napping three times a day and eating five times the suggested serving size would land me gold,’ said Armstrong, holding a pizza in each hand.

Armstrong, whose training regimen consists of ‘intense couch time’ and ‘extensive food sampling,’ speculates there’s a global conspiracy against his lifestyle. ‘They just haven’t been ready to accept the beauty of a balanced nap-eat cycle as an elite athletic discipline,’ he lamented while eyeing a second dessert course.

In a joint statement, marathon runners, swimmers, and weightlifters responded, ‘Bringing intensity and discipline might ruin the spirit of Olympic laziness Armstrong cherishes.’ Despite this, Armstrong remains hopeful, adding, ‘If they continue sidelining my talents, I’m launching my own event: Couch Potato Pentathlon.’