TOPEKA—Area resident Mark Wilbur reported Tuesday that his stress has reached ‘stress-consuming’ levels. “My stress stresses me out to the point where I’m too stressed to deal with my stress,” he lamented, clutching a stress ball that’s also stressed.

EXETER—Doctors are baffled as Wilbur’s blood pressure recently reached an all-time high after opening an email titled “Stress Management 101.” “The cure was more stressful than the illness,” Wilbur noted as he simultaneously shredded the email while meditating.

WOLLONGONG—Wilbur has now set an ambitious, albeit paradoxical, New Year’s resolution: to stress less by worrying more about how much stress he can withstand. “I’ve been told accepting stress is calming,” he explained, “but now I’m stressed about how un-calm acceptance feels.”