Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles. God: You just have to empty the dishwasher.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has bookmarked:

Where do I sign up to be one of those influencers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

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I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

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Grape soda doesn’t taste at all like grapes, but it does taste like purple, and I don’t know how to explain that.

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Sorry, I can’t come. I’m still recovering from the last time I went out.

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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

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My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.

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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

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Edging my house plants by putting them next to the window when it rains.

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Don’t forget to brush your teeth, comb your hair, cleanse your face, and share my posts.

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We’re all naughty, some just more than others.