PEORIA—Reports have emerged of a new and astonishing skin condition known as ‘perfect’ that has left dermatologists baffled and espresso martini drinkers intrigued. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Lara Boxman, a local skin specialist, clarifying, “Patients with ‘perfect’ aren’t really patients; they’re more like poster models for what skin should look like.”

Beauty companies are scrambling to understand the lucrative implications. “We were completely blindsided,” admitted Ralph Tingleman, CEO of a major skincare brand. “Our exfoliating gels can’t compete. People are opting out of self-care products and just calling themselves ‘perfect’ now; it’s unprecedented and deeply concerning.”

Individuals diagnosed with this dazzling anomaly are reportedly in high demand at makeup counters. “It’s like the universe rewarded my laziness,” explained one proud bearer. “Now I just look in the mirror and say, ‘Wow, I’ve got great skin—and I’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it.'”