SAN BERNARDINO—In a stunning academic advancement, citizens nationwide are deleting their social media accounts and instantly achieving a mental age bump equivalent to gaining a master’s degree. “I deleted Instagram and now understand the intricacies of tax law,” bragged former influencer Kayla Mann, while adjusting her recently acquired bifocals.

Turbocharged maturity has revolutionized day-to-day interactions. “I left Facebook only last week,” said outgoing frat king Chad Byrne, now wearing tweed, “and I’m already debating Nietzsche at coffee shops. My friends call me ‘Professor.’ They’re only half joking.”

The trend has prompted suspicion among genuine degree holders. Universities are rumored to be campaigning for increased academic standards. A Stanford spokesperson said, “We’re worried; soon, deleting Twitter might be considered postdoctoral work. Who knows what levels of wisdom await students who dare to unplug entirely?”