PITTSBURGH—In a stunning revelation, local YouTube vlogger Matt “Tubetastic” Smythe announced the obsolescence of toilet paper, causing nationwide existential dread. “You never realize what you have until it’s gone,” Smythe mused while wiping with a sponge. “This is only the beginning. Today toilet paper, tomorrow, floss!”

Adding to the chaos, thousands flocked to novelty shops to acquire alternative hygiene items. “We’re selling out of corn cobs like it’s 1850,” stated overworked shop owner Nancy. Restroom queues reportedly doubled as citizens awkwardly adopted new cleansing routines.

Government officials, struggling to manage the crisis, encouraged a back-to-basics approach. “We urge calm,” declared Mayor Joyce, demonstrating a confusing wiping technique involving rubber gloves and optimism. Meanwhile, citizens reflect on simpler times when peace reigned on toilet seats across the nation.