TOPEKA—In a groundbreaking study that challenges conventional wisdom, a local woman reports that despite sleeping for 14 hours a day, she still wakes up looking “like absolute trash.” Experts initially recommended sleep as a path to beauty, but Jane Torrance says, “If sleep were truly beauty-enhancing, I’d be on the cover of Vogue by now and not resembling a crumpled newspaper.”

Dr. Marvin Snoregard, head of sleep studies at the University of Topeka, speculates that beauty might actually require more than just prolonged periods in a bed. “We’re exploring alternatives like actual skincare,” Snoregard said. “Apparently, a decade of sleep isn’t a spa day.” The team’s findings might compel thousands to rethink their nightly hibernation strategies.

Meanwhile, Torrance has decided to abandon her sleep regimen in favor of a new approach she calls “sleep abstinence.” “I plan to awake like a troll every day and embrace it,” she declared. Torrance’s story has inspired others, with support groups for the ‘beauty-rest beguiled’ sprouting up nationwide, each member donning eye masks as a tribute to their pillowy past.