SYDNEY—In an unprecedented existential crisis, local heartthrob Derek Thompson announced his difficulty in locating a partner who meets his strict cuteness standards. “I’m the cutest, and I won’t settle for less,” lamented Thompson while adjusting his perfectly tousled hair.

Crowds gather daily outside Thompson’s residence, chanting “Let us try!” Despite the attention, his search remains fruitless. “It’s hard to find someone who can match my sparkle,” Thompson admitted amidst echoing sighs of adoration.

Experts have proposed a specialized dating app for Thompson, with levels of adorableness yet unattainable by mankind. Optimistically, Thompson added, “Surely there is another out there; perhaps a sentient teddy bear,” as he gazed longingly at his mirror image, confident that beauty standards might someday, somehow, keep up.