OCEAN CITY—A groundbreaking study from Sampson Institute reveals that an overwhelming 90% of regrettable life choices are made without any alcoholic influence. “I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions,” confirmed participant Laura Holland, who regularly miscalculates her lunch break and overestimates her parallel parking skills.

Lead researcher Dr. Greg Evans highlighted the findings, noting, “The sober mind can be remarkably adept at convincing itself that starting a puppet collection is essential.” The study suggests that the human brain naturally leans towards ill-conceived ideas, coffee-fueled or otherwise.

In an effort to combat life-altering sober decisions, experts recommend regularly questioning, “Would this still be a smart move if I wasn’t about to binge on ten-minute lifehack videos?” as a preventative measure. Sampson Institute plans to extend the study to include decisions made while sleep-deprived and watching reality TV marathons.