ALBURY—In an unexpected turn of events, city officials announced the cancellation of traditional New Year celebrations, opting instead for the inaugural “New Fear Festival.” “Fireworks were getting old,” said Mayor Linda Grimshaw, “so we’re introducing fire drills instead.”

Reports indicate the festival will feature anxiety-themed activities, including “Panic Room” escape challenges and a “Resolution Overload” obstacle course. Residents have mixed reactions. “Who needs hope when you have horror?” said local man Niles Fright.

Organizers defended their decision, predicting it will “scare the pants off 2024.” Grimshaw assured, “Expect a thrilling countdown—with a twist. Midnight might be the witching hour.” Attendees are encouraged to BYO safety helmets and arm floaties for the fear-themed dunk tank.