Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

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I try to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

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My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

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Shouldn’t it have been called the ‘not answering machine’?

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If you wish me a happy Thanksgiving, don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

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Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

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Sorry, I liked your post one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012.

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Lasagna has never broken my heart. Just saying.

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Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. Like Wednesday.

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I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.