People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

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“Be the bigger person” sounds too much like “accept the disrespect”.

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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do.

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I don’t like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. I bet I like bananas almost as much as they do.

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Lord of the Rings is wild cause Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “Ok, can I bring my gardener?”

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When a lady compliments your facial hair, have the goddamn decency to compliment hers.

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Cats hear everything. They just don’t care.

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The gothic urge to live in a sleepy seaside town with a terrifying backstory.

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I’m just here trying to spread a little joy while the world burns. Is that so wrong?

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My daily exercise routine involves running late, jumping to conclusions and pushing my luck.

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Anyone else get excited about going to bed because you know there’ll be coffee in the morning, or is that just me?