Perks of dating me: you will be the hot one.

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There’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink. It’s already wet.

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Is this art or trash?

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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails, they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs.

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Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

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I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

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Considering joining a cult just for the subsidized housing.

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Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they are dead.

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If I ever find out who stole my identity, I’ll pay all their debts and ruin their credit score just for fun.

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Why have abs when you can have kebabs?

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Sitting in an antique chair is weird, like this thing has seen so many butts.