Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our car windows.

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Getting older is realizing how great doing nothing is.

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Killing me softly with his schlong.

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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

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I hate apps that shut off your music when you open them, like how fu*king important do you think you are?

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Public urination isn’t a crime if you do it in your pants.

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Website: We use cookies to improve our performance. Me: Same!

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When you split a dessert, the waiter should bring two forks and one of those chess clocks you smack to let the other person know it’s their turn.

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Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?

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There’s an epidemic of people just staring at their phones in their parked cars.

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Finally my winter fat has gone. I now have spring rolls.