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Home Funny Quotes Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him.

New funny quotes ✨

I wish I loved exercising as much as I love not exercising.

I wish I loved exercising as much as I love not exercising.

Funny Quotes Mar 3, 2025
I’m glad laughter is the best medicine because my insurance sucks.

I’m glad laughter is the best medicine because my insurance sucks.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Noise-canceling headphones aren't enough, I need everyone to shut up.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough, I need everyone to shut up.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Most people think that T-Rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead.

Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they are dead.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
I don't just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Don’t worry. You’re exactly where you should be in life. Because you’ve made horrible choices.

Don’t worry. You’re exactly where you should be in life. Because you’ve made horrible choices.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
My first thought upon waking up in the morning is "not again".

My first thought upon waking up in the morning is “not again”.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Running feels great until you compare it to not running.

Running feels great until you compare it to not running.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Going to a concert with a tomato in each hand just to make the band nervous.

Going to a concert with a tomato in each hand just to make the band nervous.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Cartoons make it look like getting stabbed in the butt with a pitchfork would be no big deal, but I beg to differ.

Cartoons make it look like getting stabbed in the butt with a pitchfork would be no big deal, but I beg to differ.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Cats are probably like: Oh, I should follow you on Litterboxd.

Cats are probably like: Oh, I should follow you on Litterboxd.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
My chakra went out for cigarettes.

My chakra went out for cigarettes.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Realizing this yogurt I'm eating is more active and cultured than I am.

Realizing this yogurt I’m eating is more active and cultured than I am.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025