TOPEKA—In a new trend sweeping personal development seminars, local motivational speaker Jerry Swanson urges attendees to sabotage their own happiness, claiming it’s the only way to ensure a truly miserable experience. “Don’t wait for others to mess up your day. Take initiative and do it yourself,” Swanson advised solemnly in a packed community hall.

Emphasizing the importance of self-destruction, Swanson demonstrated techniques such as intentionally missing appointments and arguing with oneself in the mirror. “Why let others have all the fun of disappointing you? Embrace your inner chaos,” he told attendees who nodded enthusiastically, wondering if they’d already lost their parking tickets.

Despite a natural disaster unfolding in the room next door, Swanson reassured the participants they were solely responsible for their life choices. “Even if a tornado tears through, remember, you chose to live in Tornado Alley,” Swanson emphasized, his words met with thunderous applause as participants practiced aggressively canceling their own plans.