Shoutout to my kids because they aren’t listening!

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I’m not saying I’m messy, but if Copperfield knew what I can make disappear, he’d be jealous.

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I’m not bothered if you don’t like me, awesomeness isn’t for everyone.

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Yes, I upload photos with filters because I want to look good. If you want to see the ugly side of me, come to my house.

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My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

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Remember: if nobody hates you, you’re not trying hard enough.

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I am brilliantly social for one and a half hours, and then I need to recover in my bedroom cave for two days.

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Babe, are you OK? You’ve barely fulfilled the prophecy.

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Sorry, can’t. I’m currently nodding in class so the teacher doesn’t feel sad.

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I am convinced that size matters, especially when it comes to the heart.

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It’s cool that women want me, but it makes me sad that fish fear me.