Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my CVS receipt to finish printing.

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Ground beef implies the existence of sky beef.

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Twitter is a prime example why most of us shouldn’t be left unsupervised.

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When the exam is so hard that you look out the window to appreciate nature.

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People with ADHD be like “I can’t fry an egg, I got too much going on”.

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Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

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I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

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Writing is so fun because you get to google things like “woman names”.

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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

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They should invent a life where I know what I’m doing.

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I wish I could throw tomatoes at comments.