BOISE—An enlightening new study reveals that, in addition to those who find sex without love and love without sex, there exists a lesser-known group: people without either. The perplexed Dr. Nancy Ellis concluded, “Modern romance evidently includes an option? C: None of the above.”
Survey respondent Mark Trimble lamented, “I thought I was uniquely unlucky, but turns out there’s a good number of us, eternally wed to our Wi-Fi and cats.”
Research suggests these individuals may create an alternative ecosystem entirely composed of awkward dating apps and infinite scrolling. Experts say this niche lifestyle might ironically fuel the economy, as two-for-one pizza deals see record sales.