DENVER—A groundbreaking study published Monday revealed that up to 98% of individuals who appear to be staring are, in fact, imaginary paparazzi. “I always assumed they wanted an autograph,” confessed local man Jake Tolbert. “Turns out they’re just non-existent fans with great imaginary cameras.”

In a subsequent twist, the study claims the remaining 2% are likely plotting the best moment to ask for an autograph. “I practiced turning away dramatically,” Tolbert admitted, explaining his approach to presumptive fame, “But they never quite get to asking.”

Researchers suggest the phenomenon might be tied to an egocentric delusion. “We didn’t expect such dedication from imaginary fans,” said lead researcher Dr. Nancy Flume, “Imagine spending your existence in someone’s imagination, only to stare blankly. That’s devotion, if nothing else.”