WISCONSIN DELLS—In a groundbreaking study shaking the foundations of platonic friendship, researchers have discovered that every woman’s so-called ‘best friend’ is, in fact, just an undisclosed emergency boyfriend waiting for a starter pistol. “It’s like they’re the romantic National Guard, always on standby,” lead researcher, Dr. Jenna Mills, explained.

Conducting interviews and covert surveillance over two years, the team found that 98% of women strategically designated friends as Plan B. “He’s just my emergency contact—in case of emotional emergencies,” claimed local participant Sue Ellen, who admitted she outsources comforting duties to her backup once a month.

The study’s ostracized subjects, originally unaware of their auxiliary boyfriend status, mostly seemed unfazed. “I spent years in the friend zone—this is practically a promotion,” exclaimed Derek Holmgren, celebrating his new label over last night’s dinner date—a strictly platonic affair, of course.