ALBANY—In an attempt to find purpose, area residents have discovered their value in being carbon dioxide factories. “I used to feel pointless, but now I see myself as a hero to ferns everywhere,” said local warehouse worker Tim Heinz.

The National Bureau of Self-esteem confirms Heinz’s statement, suggesting humans might play a crucial role by generating CO2. “Each breath’s like giving trees the juice they crave,” said lead researcher Dr. Jenna Moss.

By year 2050, researchers hope to award ‘Best in Carbon Dioxide Production’ at Mother Earth’s annual gala. “Harvard’s updating its application to include how many plants each candidate oxygenates,” Dr. Moss added, advocating for a curriculum as rich in plant support as in SAT scores.