PENSACOLA—Local sleep scientists released a groundbreaking report Tuesday that challenges traditional morning routines by proving that individuals over the age of 25 are in no need of setting alarm clocks, as their personal anxieties have been perfectly honed to rouse them at exactly the right (or wrong) time. According to the study, problems such as existential dread, financial crises, and the ghostly echo of 3 a.m. regrets have become as familiar as a standard alarm and significantly more difficult to snooze.

The researchers noted that individuals often found themselves wide awake at peculiar hours, ready to confront their days with an unyielding sense of unease. “It turns out, the combination of impending work email notifications and existential meaningless is far more effective than any app,” said lead researcher Dr. Marlena Hedges, who detailed how fears of student loans alone have become the number-one wake-up call for millennials and older adults. The report has sparked a surge in sales of redundant alarm clocks, now repurposed solely as quaint bedside decor.

To capitalize on these findings, a new wave of modalities is set to launch, offering sleep enthusiasts the chance to schedule their weekly panics through blissfully named apps like “Anxiety O’Clock” and “Panic Partner.” Early testers report that while traditional alarms are quickly displaced for a curated series of jarring worries, there’s a risk of oversleeping if a user happens to solve all their issues, thereby inadvertently hitting the snooze button on life’s predicament-induced awakenings.