PERRY—A groundbreaking study released Tuesday has revealed that arguing with women guarantees almost instantaneous text replies. “Forget typing ‘are you busy?’ Just start a small verbal war over dinner choices,” advised lead researcher Dr. Nina Stokes with a smirk. “The response time is impressively swift—sometimes even exceeding fiber-optic speeds.”

Enthusiasts have taken to social media to test this hypothesis, experiencing lightning-fast replies. “I casually mentioned pineapple on pizza, and BAM, a 500-word essay hit my phone,” boasted local resident Tom Glencoe. “Even autocorrect couldn’t keep up with her fervor!”

Experts warn, though, that frequent usage of this tactic may lead to unexpected consequences. The study highlights an increase in apologetic gift purchases and a worrying depletion of flowers in local florists. “At this rate, we’re expecting a nationwide rose shortage by Valentine’s Day,” lamented florist Kaylee Bloom, stocking up for the impending relational aftermath.