NASHVILLE—In a groundbreaking study released Thursday, scientists confirmed what pizza lovers have long suspected: the human body is most efficient at turning pizza into diarrhea. “Pizza acts like it’s just passing through,” said nutritionist Dr. Ken Yeast, “like a high-speed train with a one-way ticket to intestinal discomfort.”

Exploring dietary efficiency, the study highlights how mankind’s tissue-thin microbiome navigates the complexities of pizza digestion. “Some people claim their digestive system fuels creativity,” explained participant Lenny Crust, “but personally, my system’s creativity starts and ends with inventively varied bathroom visits.”

Experts insist the research underscores vital insights into human biology’s priorities. Dr. Yeast emphasized, “While evolution aimed for survival and reproduction, modern anatomy has reached peak evolution right inside the bathroom.” He added that ongoing studies are exploring whether cheese or pepperoni accelerates projectile velocity.