PROVO—In a recent revelation that left many singletons stunned, a local geologist confirmed that the Earth’s spherical nature has been a major obstacle in finding love. “Turns out there’s a girl for me in every corner,” lamented resident Dennis McBride, “but I’ve been unknowingly running around in circles.”

McBride admitted trying to navigate the globe in his relentless quest, only to discover he’d been pursuing his own shadow. “My compass kept spinning, and the GPS laughed hysterically,” he stated. Other singles echoed McBride’s frustration, sharing stories of futile excursions to metaphorical corners far and wide.

Meanwhile, physicists are considering launching a Change.org petition to flatten the planet. “A flat surface might increase romantic optimism,” explained Professor Emily Dobson, “though it could also mean we’d all fall off the edge while arguing.”