BRISBANE—A recent study found that jobs overwhelmingly are involved in relationships with other jobs, leaving their human workers unreciprocated in their affection. “I realized my job was just using me for my coffee-making skills,” confessed local man David Hartong, who stated he would now focus on jobs that are more emotionally available.

Experts suggest that jobs don’t settle down with one employee because they’re “chronically non-committal.” “Jobs are notorious for ghosting workers after layoffs,” explained career counselor Samantha Bellwood. “They just keep moving on, branching out, and pairing with jobs with bells and whistles like ‘senior’ or ‘executive’.”

With 85% of jobs reportedly dating other jobs, life coach Jenna Stillwater advises unemployed individuals: “Rather than seeking validation from your job, focus on finding personal fulfillment through simpler tasks like reorganizing your sock drawer.”